


The Second Death of Kylo Ren

by PerfectPurgatory



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Memory Alteration, Separations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 06:28:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10431153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerfectPurgatory/pseuds/PerfectPurgatory
Summary: When Kylo Ren is left by the love of his life, he deals with it the only way he knows how to: he wallows in his pain.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This may end up being an excerpt for a future fanfiction. If so, it will be slightly changed so that it fits better, but for now, it will have to be stand-alone, seeing as I'll probably never finish it.

              He could still feel her lips on his. They tasted like a warm breeze in the middle of Spring. Fitting for a girl who grew up on a merciless, desert planet, not unlike the one his grandfather and uncle grew up on. He could still recall the way her hair would feel under his nose, when he would wrap her in his arms at night.

              Unable to sleep, Kylo roamed the halls of the Finalizer.  He could still _feel_ her. Even though they were separated by lightyears and star systems, he could still feel the elastic pull of her mind. Now shut off to him, the only thing he could do was gnaw at the cord, hoping it would sever. Sometimes he would go to the wall she put up and just _push_. Hoping that something would budge. He would push on every metaphorical brick to see if there was a weakness, something he could exploit. But it was always sealed up with impeccable mastery of the force. He was constantly in awe of her abilities; she was magnificent. A true rival to his own abilities. But were they rivals? They certainly were at one point, and they certainly w _eren’t_ at another. But now? He didn’t know.

              He walked into the interrogation room. Still marred by his lightsaber strikes, it looked exactly as it had all those months ago, when she had escaped his grasp. He brushed his fingers over the now-melted head of the restraints. This was where she showed her power. _This_ was where he _felt it._ And he had told her so.

              _“Don’t be afraid, I feel it too.”_

But what exactly _had_ he felt? A growing power to combat his own? A compatible soul? One that could perfectly intertwine with his. Yes, that was it. Suddenly, it was too much. He stormed out of the room, looking to find anywhere that could provide some peace.

              _Peace_ , he scoffed at himself. _How foolish a concept. Remember the Sith Code._ Peace was a lie; he knew that. But he still hoped, somehow, that he could find something close to it.

              He found a window with a ledge. He could stare out into the abyss and stop thinking. Maybe meditate for a while. No one came down this corridor.  He would be relatively alone, save for the rope in his mind connecting him to her. He sometimes wished he could hang himself with the same rope. _How poetic it would be_ , he would think to himself. He always thought she would be the death of him, and he had been right. He just didn’t know that he could survive that death and be forced to walk around, a shell of who he used to be. He laughed, bitterly. He had killed Ben Organa, but she had brought him back only to kill Kylo Ren.

              He wondered if Uncle Luke was with her now. Clenching his fists, he slammed them against the glass. He screamed, as loud as he could, guttural yelling, at the blackness of space. _He can’t protect her like I can._ He wondered whether she ever thought of him.

              He remembered that day. He replayed it over and over in his head like a holodisk stuck on repeat.

              _“I have to go, Kylo.”_

_He had been staring at her for a solid minute, not saying a word. Finally, she had broken the silence._

_“I know.” It was all he could manage to say. He closed his eyes. Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth. He practiced the simple meditation technique Rey had helped him learn. It was simple enough, but with his temper, it took some getting used to. He was surprised that he remembered to do it in a moment like this. “Just tell me why.”_

_“You know why.” She looked him up and down. “They need me.”_

_“So what? I need you, isn’t that enough? I’m just supposed to sit here, and willingly let you go?” His emotions were starting to get the better of him._

_After pausing a moment, Rey opened her mouth, but quickly changed her mind about whatever it was she was going to originally say. “Yes.”_

_“Did our time together mean nothing to you? You came here willingly, don’t forget that. I sought you out, and you came with me. So why is it that now you’re wanting to leave?” His now piercing gaze was boring into her skin. If a look could cause skin to erupt in flames, his look could._

_“Ben, I don’t expect you to under-“ She was cut off after he visibly winced._

_“Don’t_ ever _call me that.” He started pacing, running a hand through his dark brown hair. That was a name he only ever allowed her to call him once, at a time when he was vulnerable. His harsh tone immediately silenced her. “You know not to call me that.”_

_“That’s your name, isn’t it? Ben? It’s the name your mother gave you. You can’t keep running from that!” She was pointing at him accusatorily, visibly incensed._

_“No! He’s dead.” He was looking frantically around the room._

_“No, he’s not. I know him!” Moving forward to cup his cheek in her hands, she forced him to look at her. “He is a great man.” Looking deeply into his eyes, she took a short breath._

_Kylo studied her face for a moment, as if to memorize her every feature. He moved his hand to match hers, and in one, swift motion, he yanked her hand away as if it was burning him. She stepped backwards._

_“You know nothing of that man. He was foolish. He was weak. He was pitiful. He was everything I despise!” Spitting as he yelled, Rey looked like she was about to cry._

_“He is everything I adore! Ben…” She tried searching his face for some sign of emotion besides anger and pain._

_“Don’t.” He was standing over her, finger in her face. “Don’t ever say that name again.”_

_“Alright. Kylo…” She was beyond fighting._

_“No. Don’t do that either.” A tear was running down her face._

_“I have to_ go. _” She nearly said it through clenched teeth._

_“Then do me one favor before you go.” He walked up to her. Before then, they were feet apart, each on opposite sides of the common room on the Millennium Falcon. “Take it away.” He sank to his knees in front of her. “I don’t want it anymore.”_

_“What?” Rey was genuinely confused and a little afraid of what he was asking of her._

_“I don’t want them.” He paused in between each word. “The memories. I don’t want to know what you look like when you first wake up. I don’t want to know what you_ smell _like after a shower. And I sure as hell don’t want to know how your face lights up a little when you fix things.” His voice was strained. He was pleading with her._

_“No. I won’t.” Her voice cracked._

_“I know you can. Just like we practiced.” His voice calmed, he grabbed her hand. When she nearly jerked it away, he let her, but went to reach for it again to place on his forehead. “Reach in, find the memory, and pull. It’s simple.”_

_“But then we go back to being just,” she paused. “Just enemies. And I…”_

_“What?”_

_“I don’t want that.”_

_“Then don’t leave.” His face was suddenly the epitome of calm. It was a mask, designed to hold in the anguish._

_“You know I will anyway.” She pulled her hand away._

_“Then what do you want from me?” He stood up so fast it made his head spin. He had resorted to yelling, his façade gone. “You don’t want to be enemies again, but you so willingly go back to them! Make up your mind. You leave, then the next time I see you is on the battlefield.”_

_“What?” She became just as angry as he was._

_“Oh, come on, Rey. You’re going back to_ train. _Even when you could stay here and train with me. You’re going back to those traitors so you can somehow protect them. We’re still on opposite sides of the war. You leave, and I can’t guarantee your safety!” There were veins popping out of his neck._

_“Protect me? I can protect myself! It’s you who should be worried about seeing me on the battlefield, not the other way around!” He knew she was right. And that was precisely the reason he didn’t want to meet her that way. If they met on the battlefield, the only course of action he could take would be to let her slice him down like the animal he was. “And they’re not traitors! They’re my_ friends _and I will not abandon them!”_

_“Oh, what, like you’re abandoning me?” They both stopped dead in their tracks. The feeling of guilt and shame was palpable. Kylo looked down at the ground. “You’re just like Han Solo.” It was practically a whisper. Rey couldn’t hear it, but she could_ feel _it, through their bond. It hissed at her like a snake ready to strike, and oh did it strike. It hit her full-force. She almost had to stagger backwards from the emotions rolling through him – and her._

_“Ben – Kylo…” She could feel how hurt he was. And then, it was silent, no more emotions rolling off him in waves. He had shut the door between them, and there was nothing she could do. Looking up at him, she was shocked to see how enraged he was. She couldn’t feel it, but she didn’t need to feel it to know that he was ready to snap. He wasn’t looking her in the eye, and that made her feel even more uncomfortable. She could feel a storm coming and she wasn’t sure she was braced enough for it._

_“I’ll leave you to it, then.” He turned around and walked towards the ramp. “Scavenger.” And there it was. The seal on the tomb. He walked down the ramp and put his mask on._

That was the last time he saw her. It was times like this he cursed his solitude. He would wallow in it for hours each night, until he got up to walk around. He never hated being alone until _her._ She had changed everything. It’s hard to go to sleep alone when you’re used to being able to reach out and feel the warmth of body heat lying next to you.

He hated himself for calling her “Scavenger.” He had done it in a moment of pain, and he wished the word had never touched his lips. He knew it would hurt her, but he did it anyway. Some sick part of him even enjoyed it, reveled in the pain it caused her.

              Looking out through the window, he thought about how it would feel to be in the vacuum of space. All he would have to do was plunge his lightsaber through the durasteel surrounding the glass. It would only take a second, and then he would be floating in the vast nothingness of the galaxy. He supposed it would feel the same as swimming. It could even provide him the peace he needed, he imagined. It would be just like swimming in the lakes of Naboo, where his mother used to take him on the weekends. Just like that. It was such an inviting thought, to finally know what peace feels like. Tranquility was tempting, even in the face of a second, truer death. He had died along with that conversation back on the Millennium Falcon, he told himself. And he was just inches away from reconnecting with his ghost.

              Snapping back into himself, he looked down in horror as he saw the red of his saber already lit. He was seconds away from opening this corridor to the vastness of space. He could have done it. Deactivating his saber and running a hand through his hair, he realized that he was breathing heavily. As a reflex, he held onto the cord connecting them for dear life, hoping for some form of relief. Half of him hoped she would be happy he hadn’t taken his life. The other half of him mocked him with the knowledge that she might not care at all anymore. Maybe she moved on.

              It just didn’t make sense to him. They were happy. Those days where they would meditate, back to back, those days where they would spar and end up in an embrace, those days where they would just lay in bed breathing in each other, it didn’t make sense how she could be okay after throwing that all away. If it was real, how could she be okay? He certainly wasn’t.

              The sound of his breathing through the modulator on his helmet grounded him. As his breath leveled out, he came to the horrific realization of the shape he was in. It was like he was back on Starkiller base again. She had, once again, escaped him, and she had, once again, wounded him and left him for dead. He walked over to the wall in between them and gave a small _push_. Nothing. He pushed a little harder. Still nothing. She had left him, hurt and humiliated, and there was no one to help pick up the pieces. He started violently shoving at the wall, getting more and more enraged by the second. He walked down the hallway, and activated his lightsaber, waiting for the perfect opportunity to destroy something, anything. With one more _shove_ , the wall moved. Kylo stilled. Hopeful and in agony, he pushed again and again until the wall was about to come crashing down. He deactivated his lightsaber and sank to the floor, finally letting himself go. A tear rolled down his cheek as he finally pushed the wall over.

It happened all at once. He felt the warm Spring breeze against his lips, the ghost finger tracing his stomach, the hand on his face. He felt her fully for the first time in several months.

“Rey?” He breathed into their connection.

“Ben.” She was there. He felt like he was swimming in the lakes of Naboo. Finally at peace, he braced himself for whatever was to come.


End file.
